Water Under The Bridge

Based on Rabbie Burns’ “To a Mouse”; with apologies and the rituals of the annual Burns Suppers.

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon amang yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin’ all ower the place.

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A’bodys gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin’ air
Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek
Prae god it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o’ thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michy me a sonic boom!

God almighty it fairly reeks;
Hope I huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it’s no ma worry.

A’body roon aboot me chokin’
Wan or two are nearly bokin’
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile.

Wis him! I shout with accusin’ glower,
Alas too late he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
I dinnae feel welcom any mair.

Where ere ye go let yer wind gang free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie’s perty
Ower the sake o’ wan wee fert.